Toad Rripp!!

My first Diwali in UK, yea we made plans of making it as homely as possible.. but then last minute a Road Trip plan sprung on me... now what is an adventure crazy chick to do?? esp in a country where getting decent atta is like asking your alcoholic pal for his liver... he will give it to you, but it aint gonna do much good now will it??!!?!??!!!?!

DAY 1:
we decide we'd go to Manchester to the Old Trafford (yayyyyyyyyyyy!!). As usual we leave an hour late..

I WAS THINKING: if road trips always start late why do people decide on a time... or rather why not be smart n decide on a time which is 2 hrs before the actual time n Cheat The Code :P

Anyway so we kept the tradition goin.. Btw Old Traffy, MAJESTIC!! Im not much of a ManU fan, i mean they're good, no doubt.. but i think its those "ManU rox EVERYTHING else suX" attitude most have that kills it for me, i say .. Im more of a Liverpool *coughs Torres* fan. ;) (its a shame hes gotten an Ab injury, he needs a physiotherapist.. im comin!). Anyway like i was saying, Old Trafford, B-E-A-U-tiful... people who dont watch footy, will start to... people who dont like the colour red, will start to. I rubbed ass with the players, was sitting in their seats in their dressing room 24 hrs before ManU butchered Bolton :P.
Next on the list was York... sadly the York Minister (one of the greatest cathedrals in the world) closed half hr b4 we got there.. pretty town though.
Then was Hull which has The Deep, an under ocean aquarium.. im an animal person, unless its lizards (my brain says "they're NOT animals.. they're friggin enter-ur-nostrils-n-feast-on-ur-gooey-brain-matter sorta aliens!" *shudder*). So we feed our TomTom n WHOOSH through the traffic...

I WAS THINKING: Women say "Men Dont Listen!"
Men Say "Women can't read Maps!"
n YET..phir bhi!.. the TomTommyz have a woman giving men directions :S And and and..they even listen to them! Of course sometimes u land up in a dense forest n it says "YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION" :D :D..
I say to the Men.. "SUCKERS!!!" :P :D :D :D
I say to the women, next time your man doesn listen..sound robotic.. if men start to act strange, we can beat them at that too ;)

We get there few minutes before they sell the last ticket :(..
we, and by "we" i mean a friend who came just to see only THIS, pleaded to the lady selling tickets but turns out they make puppy'ier-dog-eyes.
Drive back to Sheffield, next day was LONDON.. we decide we'd leave at 6 so we get there by 10.

DAY 2:
Groovy's alarm buzzes at 5.. we were done packing until late night so decide we'd reward ourselves with 15 mins of comfort. In a bit one of the guys we were goin with calls n the mintue i open my eyes i know its not 5:15.. its 7! luckily they were late themselves :D.. so we leave for London around 8ish.. Drive there i dont remember much.. i was catching up on lost sleep. Lotsa shit happens when one sleeps.
And then we reach London...

I WAS THINKNG: In Hollywood movies when India is portrayed, people are clad in dhotis, turbans wearing material to dress an entire metropolitan city, which btw is not happening. I assumed that would be the case in London as well, but weirdly i did see quite a few who looked like they were thrown outta Charles Dicken's Christmas Carol. I was almost certain one of them will start a melody on the streets.

We decide on going to Greenwich (at World's End). Nice place.. saw the GW Meridian, got one of those cliche pics with one foot on either side of the hemisphere (even my dad has one of those during his touring times). We wanted to go to the planetarium to feel antigravity (cool eh?) but dint happen.

FACTS N FIGURES: i have a thing for astronomy (wanted to be an astronomer at one point.. and no i was not 8, i was 16). I even have a favorite star..... Rigel (its an actual star, no shit).

Next we sat in the car... drove around Trafalgar square.. watched Humans being brave around stone Lions not letting me get a click of jus the Lion solo. Then went to Buckingham Palace, saw it, the Palace as such dint impress me much.. took pics anyway.. Went to the Diana Memorial walk.. Basically had a good evening.
Then we wanted to go visit the Swami Narayan temple, traffic in London is terrible i must say. Plus a road was blocked so reaching there took a while. Missed the main prayer, but reached before everything was over. Thats when it struck me... that i hadn seen these many Indians of varied ages in a while.
When i was there, engulfed by a non-destructive tsunami of Indianess, i strangely felt like they all looked familiar. Like i know them all from somewhere. A Friend's friend, Aunt's neighbour, The nurse who worked in the Neurology ward, The man who sold vada pavs opposite my hospital... they were all there!!!

I WAS THINKING: Thank god im not Chinese... in a situation like this one, they would all look familiar AND similar.. i'd go nuts!!!!

But must say, we saw some real HOT men there... some even smiled at me. I was wondering if it was the "how u doin'?" smile or the u-stand-out-in-the-crowd-for-your-tee-and-jeans-and-london's-grime-on-you smile. In my defense, Mr.God doesn care-what i wear-atleast i'm there... [@Mr.God: ain't that rite maaaan? ;) ].

Finally we left, turned out the gang lived in 3 different corners of London, Me n Groovy were to go to Hounslow Central.. the guys came with us even thought all 4 of us had no clue where we were goin we took the information desk guy's directions n set out to find the Park Royal Underground to catch our respective Tubes.

I was to live with a childhood friend who was in London doing his postgrad in hotel management. Now the thing is ive known him ever since i remember existing, and since then i've always used his nickname.. so when he let me and Groovy stay in his house it suddenly struck me that i dint know his actual name for sure to introduce him to Ruhy. Thankfully some people on orkut do have their Real names on their profile instead of "moods"...
Anyway after i met him that night and we were walking towards his house did he tell me he lived with 6 others. I hypothetically looked up at my Omnipresent Ass and hypothetically said "why??? why do u first surround me with hot men... and then let me stay in a house filled with Hotel Management boys on the one day that i know for a fact i look like shit!! WHYYYYYY???!?!". But if i know my Omnipresent Ass well, he is like me, he needs his dose of kicks. :P

DAY 3:
Today was Madame Tussaud's day. well it was amazing... u just have to be on my facebook going through my album for this one :D... loved every bit of it! But not something anybody can do twice for a while... Next was Lord's cricket stadium. Not a fan of cricket, but our guide told the funniest stories in the best possible way...and where there are stories to be heard i will be there! He told us all about how the term Ashes was coined from a reporters random joke and how it stuck on for this long. Took us to the player's dressing room, the spot where Gangully took of his shirt n waved to the crowd was one all talked about. Then drove to the Stonehenge which we got to see under the stars... its jus a sexy way of saying 'IT WAS CLOSED FOR THE DAY' so we had to see it from outside the fence where a gaurd who (and i quote) "is freezing his gonads" stood there to chat with us... :P Amidst all of this was a BIG argument about whether Hindi was a language all Indians must learn the basics of in school, Dont ask HOW it started (lets not go there)... ask WHERE it started.. At McDs when we were sitting on the table right next to the counter... im SO sure people were wondering why we were talking "unity in diversity" and "hindustan" in UK... This continued on our way back, and it was one of those times when the best thing to do would be to plug in your earphones and listen to the loudest songs you have and not interfere...
We reach home at midnight. Groovy and Me with my 6 dwarfs; Jumpy, Grimy, Drowsy, Hungry, Achy and Chilly. But Jumpy was the fittest, so managed to upload pics from our cams into our lappys n skim through them until the 7th missing dwarf joined us, Blurry.

Next thing i remember is being buried inside my quilt trying to silence the whiny sounds my tummy made at 8 am.

"Happy Diwali woman!!" i told myself.. Time to put up the stuff i'd bought at London... My GREEN DAY poster! :P [see the roll in my bag in the pic... whatd u think it was? an "I LOVE LONDON" banner??? nahhhhhh ;) ]

underneath your clothes... theres an endless story.

some Lid Opener eh? ;) :P :)

I shuld suggest this to my statistics professor.

This ones about Laundry rooms...

Back in Manipal, my hostel of a thousand or more women, were granted an incomplete room (had 3 walls only) with 8 washing machines… 1 of which washed but dint spin, 5 would soak and not wash, the remaining 2 had soggy papers stuck on them with “OUT OF ORDER” scribbled in washed out ink (“O.t O. O.d..” is more like it).. I guess I shouldn’t complain considering the boy’s hostels dint even get that…Although some guys hit the jackpot n found girlfriends who brought their clothes back into the girls hostels and washed them for ‘their Men’… I always said they were IDIOTS! And they always said I was single. Sure I’m not a Hopeless romantic... I’m the Hopeful one... I cling on to the hope that someday there shall be a jerk who has access to his own laundry room…. and can cook… and is smart…tall, just-right-dark and just-right-handsome… and witty… and…. not in my imagination. :P I cling onto it for life!! :D

For now, back to the Laundry rooms of Phoenix Courts..

Okay so here we have a room dedicated to washing clothes... 2 washing machines that work from soak to spin. 2 dryers that DO dry so my room wouldn look like a WestSide clearance sale scene. We even have 2 very comfy couches in there which I’m scheming with flatmates to smuggle into our rooms… its just the CCTVs that need bribing… and Osama, our Arab security guard.

So yesterday I realize I have no clothes left for tomorrow.. partly cos I hardly brought any, the pressure cooker ate up my baggage allowance and partly cos it had been over a week since we did the laundry. Turns out my flatmates were in the same boat. So we fill 4 huge bags with clothes and I stumble down first to get the room empty, making people I meet along the way feel sorry n open doors for me…. My flatmates come down with the rest of the bags and a 5 pound note hoping to ask Osama for coins..

LOOKING FOR COINS: We, Indians, have no value for coins… A 10 rupee note is one’s wallet is more appealing that ten coins of 1 rupee and no notes. Here I continue to remind myself that “1 pound is not 1 Rupee”… especially in places like Poundland and the 99 pence stores :D. “Chillar” has Value!!

Now Osama is Missing. We ask a lady who was waiting for the elevator..no luck. We bang the 1^st 2 rooms in the hall n nobodys home. I finally tell my flatmate, (lets call her) Groovy, that going to the closest shop to get change made more sense…

So me, in my track pants n tee and an oversized jacket, and my other flatmate, (lets call her) Skinny, step out into the chill that kills. Enter the store around the corner owned by an Indian or Pakistani (we look the same) which btw resembles the ones that are shown getting mugged in Hollywood movies..He dint have 5 pounds in coins. So we cross the street to a clothing and accessory shop for punks. Skinny wonders if we should go in.. I dint wanna walk any further in my attire n the shop seemed empty so I suggest it’s worth a shot. We walk in and there are 2 guys in there. I walk to the one at the counter n ask him for change for 5 pounds..

“Sure.. whadya need it for luv? Car park??”

“no….. *grin*laundry”

“Aaaah! Haha! here you go dah’ling’” J

“Thanx..cya!” J

‘wow he actually thought WE owned cars’ is what I was thinking… ‘did u HAVE to say laundry’ was what Skinny was thinking.. But at that moment Laundry seemed an unexpected hence interesting reply.

MR. METALLICA: Back in the Laundry we realize we’ve accumulated 4 loads of clothes to wash... luckily we came well equipped with ipods, water n novels… Skinny had a tube of Pringles tucked under her arm too (damn how DO they still stay skinny??!?!). We plonk ourselves in comfy bad postures that do to us what Global Warming is doing to the Poles, according to our Physiotherapy books at least (but they’re so comfy..Blah!)..

After about an hour n half, our washes are done and but the dryers were filled with somebody else’s dry clothes.. I notice an empty laundry basket at the corner of the room so I take the clothes from inside both the dryers n stuff them into the basket... Did fantasize about guys ‘CK boxers in Laundry rooms’, but it was nothing like reality at that moment. In about 15 minutes a woman and a man, both with pierced nose bridges, walked in. I repeat “NOTHING like reality”. Groovy said we needed to use the dryer… Mr and Ms Metallica thanked a Pringle-munching-Skinny, carried their basket and went on.

Meet JOE BLACK: After a while another guy, “Joe Black”, walked in with his bag of clothes.. he put his stuff into the washing machine we’d jus used. He was new too, we could tell by the way he kept looking back for our approval just before he pushed any button… like he was scared he’d press the wrong one and the machine would vomit his clothes out on him. :D

A second guy walks in just then.. looks at Dryer 2, mumbles something to Mr. Clean and walks out. A little later we realized his clothes were in Dryer 2 which I had stuffed into Mr. Metallica’s laundry basket assuming it was from the same flat. I wondered what the Metallica would have to say when he’d find another man’s boxers in his and his girlfriend’s clothes!!

Muha-muha-muhahaha!! :D It felt like Valentine’s Day in Manipal when for kicks I’d interchange love notes from bouquets delivered at the reception… usually the largest with the smallest. Only here I did it unintentionally with washed boxers... got my dose of cheap thrill none-the-less.

Finally the dryer, that im sure in a few days will be responsible for messing with the Tectonic plates of the Earth, did what I paid it 1 pound to do…

5 hours had passed, 4 washes were done, 3 men met, 2 boxers interchanged, all in 1 room… with half roll of Pringles eaten and Quarter novel read………..

Flight TO The Phoenix

Have you ever felt like everything you ever put your hand into turned out rotten, even though the possibility of it rotting is like… hmm 0.00001percent?? Well I had reached that point in my life and had been living in that not-so-tiny ‘point’ for a while until the glorious day of 09/09/09.
Long story short, I really needed my visa, jus to know that what I am feeling was not for real.. that the reason things had been constantly going wrong in the most unreal ways, was not entirely ME but something else. According to some it were my stars… well I have nobody to blame it on so “My Stars” it is! Thankfully the stars did move and I did get my visa confirmation… on 09/09/09 and I was to fly to Sheffield (UK) on the 14th of Sept 2009.
I am now in Sheffield, it’s the 21st of September (even thought this post shall be published much later thanks to the absence of internet..sigh) and tomorrow is the day my classes shall truly begin. Yay! (im no nerd but ive been an unemployed workaholic for way too long)
I’d love to tell you about Sheffield and my apartment at the PHOENIX COURTS and the people here but before that I promised a friend I’d write about my flight here from Bangalore. So jerk…this ones for you.
I’l start from the very beginning.
My flight was to depart on 14th early morning and I had to be at the airport at 3am… And since I am a ‘girl’ (whatever that’s supposed to imply!), I am weirdly attached to everything I truly love or have possessed for a long time… I try not to be.. I really do.. but I think its imprinted on the X chromosome and it sucks that we, women, got 2 of those.
So as my parents drove me to the airport, through the worst rain the city faced this year, on 14th morning, I sat in the back seat dismantling my cell phone to remove my beloved old Hutch sim (the doggy was called Hutch when I bought it).. I held it in my hands n silently said “You have served me well through my good times, bad times, great times n the worst times.. but you can’t follow me anymore… so fare thee well ol’ friend” (no im not shitting you.. yes I actually said those words in my head.. cos I’ve had him for 5 years now… and boy has he brought some life changing sms’es and calls) Anyway we reach the airport.. I weigh my bags on the weighing scale outside the airport praying to God it isn’t over my baggage allowance, for if it is, all ill have to carry to UK will be warm jackets, gloves and garam masala and will have to say my ‘fare thee well’s to da bare min number of t-shirts n jeans I could pack. Like I said, good times were coming.. my bags weighed just the right amount and I was all set to check in. Said G’bye to my parents… and NO there was no crying (I wonder why…hmmm).. I don’t cry in public… When I do, somethings really wrong. And That fine rainy day nothing was “really wrong”. I’ve lived out before I told myself its gonna be okay n swore I would make a conscious effort to not even think about how far UK actually is from Bangalore. (damn typing this brought it back but im good at pushing thoughts aside so phew! No worries there!). But for now my life was gonna restart, I had a fresh new sheet and a new box of crayons to scribble with.
So I’m standing in the queue to check-in. The staff who was checking in my baggage, im telling ya looked like Saif Ali Khan… I mean seriously.. The moment I laid my eyes on him, everybody in the airport started singing “Aahun Aahun Aahun”.. no.. it wasn love at first sight, it was wake-me-up-at-2-am-n-this-is-wat-happens!… I made sure he knew my flight was via Heathrow and I shall be on a connecting flight to Manchester ( the last time I flew this way was Dubai- Bombay- Bangalore, I was in Bombay and my baggage was is a whole different city).
Im given my boarding pass and walk upto the security check, 'cooking in my own juices' in my very heavy jacket that im wearing cos well the damn thing is probably 5 kgs and I had no baggage allowance left. At the security check i hear someone call out to me. Now even though I probably looked baggy eyed, on the inside I was alert and kinda jittery about flying alone.. I certainly dint expect anybody I knew to scream out to me anytime soon. It was a high school classmate, who was always nothing more than an acquaintance… in high school, because she was too giggly… and now because she would send me the most “Hallmarky SMSes” that even Hallmark rejected due to excessive Hallmark-ness. Anyway there she was chirping my name out so I chat with her for a while, meanwhile I notice the big yellow hairy teddy bear she has in her hand with a “British Airways” tag around its ear..yes.. hand baggage… a yellow hairy bear… now I have nothing against teddy bears.. I possess a Winnie the Pooh too who I wudve luved to bring here.. but I dint, for the same reason that most Adults claim to not love Cream Biscuits and Jam.
I finish security and am waiting to board the flight.. I have 2 hours to kill and thank my sister and brother-in-law for buying me an ipod. I decide to call dad to tell him im okay and India is glad to parcel me off. That’s when mum tells me she met my high school class teacher, who I loved btw, at the airport and im thinking “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??!?! Im super excited about my brand new future and my life is on reverse gear??!?!”. Anyway turns out her son, who was my senior in high school, is also on my flight and is going to London to study. Mum says “Hes wearing a brown jacket.. talk to him okay”. Last I saw him was in 2000, then he was freakishly shy, skinny with curly hair. I figured it, now it being 2009, and me watching myself grow from the High-School-Me (don’t wanna talk about it) to the Today-Me, he must’ve changed too and probably the curly hairdo would’ve remained…. I look around and notice 6 men in a brown jacket, and 5 more with no jackets at all hence there existed a possibility of them wearing a brown jacket… 7 of these 11 were students and ALL of them had crew cuts (understandable, as I too sport a shorter than usual hairdo these days for I’d rather spend Pounds on food than getting a haircut…. After about 30 minutes, I spot him, with 3 other guys, figure hes been okay and HAS grown as I predicted. N continued listenin to music too keep me awake until take off.
Its finally time to board.. Saif is there again collecting our boarding passes. I find my seat which is the absolute last in the aircraft (53 J)… A Brunette lady is seated beside me.. The plane takes off n somewhere around that time I doze off… Next thing I remember is the air hostess waking me up for breakfast, “would u like an asian or a regular breakfast mam?”… im still sleepy and the thought of sitting in a place for 10 hours with nobody to talk to was beginning to make me fidgety. I try to enjoy my first English breakfast. Thankfully later on they had a whole range of movies for me to watch during the flight… so I went from “ghosts of my past girlfriends…. Night at a museum 2… scrubs…. Delhi 6… x men origins” … Meanwhile I venture into lala land again n another air hostess wakes me up “would you like something to drink mam”..”can I have a coffee please”.. “actually we serve liquor”..(huh?.. BHAM im awake) “no thanks ill have a coke”.. Beside me the woman had laid down her whole set of cosmetics which was packed like the knives the Chefs own from the ‘Top Chef’ and was coating herself with her 3rd coat of whatever that is. I wished I had gotten my visa a day earlier so I would’ve flown with my 2 other flat mates... Finally Heathrow arrived.. I get off and walk towards emigration after which I was sent for a health check up.. I had my chest xrays done in Bangalore (the 1st normal chest X ray I saw… never showed us one in college.. they were always either consolidated lung tissue or fluid/pus/air filled). Next was the security check in the UK.. here theyre really strict, like we’re all out to bomb UK.. KABOOM!.. so I had my shoes off, junk jewellery, laptop, belt off… I learnt from my flatmate who’d travelled 2 days before I did, to not wear an underwire bra cos even THAT beeps... dint want the security lady to go places I dint want her going. So I walked through without beeping and re-dressed myself n went on a search to find a public phone to call home to say I’ve been UKed… din’t find one but I did find a man in a green suit who was helping people out. He says to me “look down there luv, do u see the white phone booths?”.. I squint my eyes but there were too many blondes and since im not used to it differentiating them from a white phone booth was pretty much impossible in the crowded airport.. Anyway I sorta realized which way to go so walked in that direction. Called home and now had to wait for 3 hours before my flight to Manchester where the Meet and Greet person from my University was to meet me. Flight to Manchester was like the one from Bombay to Bangalore…. They give u nuts n coke but even before u’re done drinking half the glass its time to land… I say why bother? Just make the “Krupya apni Kursi ki peti baandhe” speech longer, oh I mean “Please fasten your seat belts “ J.. Anyway by that time it was 3:30 in UK and 8 pm in India… I was tired and was beginning to get a migraine. Just then 2 babies started wailing right behind me…. Not crying..WAILING! That’s when I realized English babies cry the same way as Indians.. I mean seriously.. if u close your eyes and listen to them they sound EXACTLY the same.. no accent no nothing! I know you’re probably thinking “yea obviously!” but I’d NEVER thought of it until I turned around to see why the kid was crying so bad…
Ok so now im in Manchester and its 4:45… Manchester airport is probably the world smallest airport.. I collect my bags and come out n Whoosh! It’s the wind! Im out.. no escalators or hallways or duty free shops. Anyway I look around to see Nobody! L Okay so I dint expect Rooney to be waiting with flowers and wine but atleast a Red Shirt of Sheffield Hallam.. i make an announcement and find another girl who happened to be in my class waiting with me too. After about 2 hours we find the Sri Lankan student who was asked to pick us up.. he clubs us with the 5 others who had landed that evening.. 3 Germans, one French guy and another dude from Portugal. I chat with the French guy, Bernon, who was here for his bachelors in business management and the Portuguese guy, Rodolfo, who was here for his Masters in Forensic Medicine (impressive I thought… that’s what I seriously wanted to do at one point of time). By the time we get into the bus that was to drive us to Sheffield it was 7:30 pm and my migraine had gotten pretty bad. Rodolfo n me chat for a while.. he says he loves Indian curry n culture and asks if Bangalore is near Delhi I say no its down South and he asks if its anywhere near Goa since that’s a place he knows it being an old Portuguese colony. After about half n hour im shamelessly dozing in the bus and he is Woah’ed when he realizes I flew all the way from India today. By then my brains all messed up because my body clock says it midnight… the watch says it 7:30 and the sky says its 3 pm…seriously when does the sun set??!?!? We reach the university at 8:30.. after a while we’re put in our cabs.. Turns out the place I live at, Phoenix Courts, is not as popular as one would expect.. so after a lotta hunting I reach the place.. its only the next day I realize a tiny silver 5” x 5” board with PHOENIX COURTS on it. Anyway I drag my suitcases in and Steve, the security guard, and me reach my room. My flat mates had decorated my room door with a “WELCOME HOME” and my room was opened for the very first time. Was a very “WHATS BEHIND DOOR NUMBER 2…. *drumroll*” moment :D.
Once I was home n changed we sat up chatting till 1 am which is 5:30 am India…. But we had lots to talk about… One of the highlights being “You had 5 hotties coming with you from manchester!!!! Damn your stars HAVE changed” :D

My Fake 10th Birthday.

I'm a May born summer baby, which means all my school life ive had my birthdays during the summer vacations, at grandad's, Mangalore usually with cousins n family... now dont get me wrong, i love them all.. very very much. But as a kid i always wanted the typical classroom birthday, atleast once.. wearing a pretty frock while the rest of the school wore the same old boring uniform... with a box full of chocolates while the rest of them waited for me to distribute it... and oh no.. tch tch.. not before you sing that lame song to me... even if it sounds terrible when sung by 50 odd children in pitches that would deafen dogs. :)

ATTEMPT 1: I attended a convent school in Bombay till i was 7. One day, some day, Sister Rosy was giving us instructions about dressing up in colour clothes the coming week for some Saint's feast. Unfortunately i only heard the part about the clothes and assumed it was for the next day... i dont really remember what i was doing...hmm..
Anyway so i go home and tell my mother who loved dressing me up about the whole arrangement. When it came to clothes i had my ground rules (No whites, if worn dont blame me if it comes back home brown; no itchy shiny material that makes me wanna scratch; no high necks that make me feel like im being choked; no clothes that limited my range of motion while climing walls)...
So i go to school the next day wearing a pretty skirt only to see my whole class in uniform... now i dint know what to do, i was 5 yrs old for cryin' out loud! So when the kids looked happy n asked me if it was my birthday i agreed because well, they looked so happy and nobody wants to make kids sad right?... okay FINE also because i got wished 49 TIMES and i knew what else was ins tore!!!!! :P. But what i did not know was while i was enjoying my 15 minutes of fame, my mother was explaining to Sister Rosy what had ACTUALLY happened. So this story ended with a pasting........... *sigh* i was only 5 yrs old! Sister Rosy was mean...

ATTEMPT 2: In the 7th standard, i was now studying in Bangalore. I knew this was my last chance for a 'school birthday' cos well next year i was going to attend High School 8)... which then was like Hollywood to the rest of us non-high-schoolians (and College was considered Heaven....well ignorance is bliss they say)... Anyway so i tell my mother i HAVE to celebrate my birthday in school atleast this once! Finally my mother gives up trying to convince me, so we go shopping for something i have never bought before (or since)...
Two Whole Big Bag of Toffees (i remember it was Caramilk, cos thats the only one which was sold in big packs in that store).. And I don't mean to sound like an amateur criminal but "I've never seen so many sweets together in my whole life"!!
So then the next day, i dress up in my best clothes, put my stash in a big box and wait at my building gate for the autorickshaw to come pick me up at 8:30 for school...

*tick tock tick tock... 8:25* ate one choc at the gate.

*tick tock tick tock 8:35* ate 2 more

*tick tock tick tock 8:45* by this time im stress eating 3 in a shot... its an art by the way, unwrapping 3 toffees at a time.

*tick tock tick tock 9:00* (school is supposed to have started) mum yells out to me from home... i run back panicked cos i was one of those kids who considered reaching late, the Eighth Deadly Sin!!! (explains why i reached an hour early..or the rest reached one hour late!!!! for a lunch meet last week....Grrrrrr!)

Apparently my mother received a call from the school saying that day was declared a state holiday because a politician had passed away.

I assure you, when the rest of the school kids in Bangalore were high 5'ing and skipping back home i was the lone child sad that day even though i did not even know who the politician was....

Of course then on, ive had some of my BESTEST birthdays with friends and family and looking back at my fake 10th birthday, sorta funny. :)

And also never ate another Caramilk in my life since......... (not because it dug out heart aching memories but because in the next 2 days i finished the whole box of it.... now just the name can reproduce the smell of elaichi... *shudder*)

This post is dedicated to the Andhra CM, Y S Rajashekara Reddy, who passed away in a helicopter crash yesterday.

To the ignorant, tomorrow may just be another holiday, But you will be remembered by the ones Near and Dear to you.
....May your soul Rest In Peace....

FIGHT CLUB!!

#1 - you do not talk about this to anybody!
#2 - you DO NOT talk about this to ANYBODY!!!
#3 - If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out... reading stops.
#4 - One person to this post... if u have a conjoint twin cut him off!
#5 - "No shirts, no shoes".................. :) ;) :P
#6 - If this is your first time in this blog, you have to read.

okay then.. if the above mentioned terms and conditions are acceptable to you ladies (dont bother with #5.... no seriously..dont!) n gentlemen you may proceed.

Okay, buckle up.. im gonna tell you about the day i gave my Driver's License test.

Now lets 'be kind, rewind' a month before the Big Day.

After i finished my 20 classes with Pansitis (my driving instructor, refer "Too Fast Too Furious In Yo Swift" for a recap) I had to leave town to do my journal work back at my university. I returned home after a month and it was time for me to give the test... In the mean time i never found the time (or the car) to practice the 'art' of driving.
All jittery i go see my cousin who recently got his DL, n he assures me its E-zee!

"See 3 are taken in the car.. one drives straight, the other takes a U-turn and the 3rd drives the baby back.. voila! all of us have DLs!"..... he said.

i tell myself 'You can do that!' i mean Pansitis wasn THAT bad either :P..... or was he? *dhan dhan dhan dhaaaaaan!!*

THE D(L)- DAY:
Begins like any other day... except
a) I wake up before i hear my name being YELLED!
b)I not only make breakfast but even eat a little (i HATE breakfasts... mostly cos im pissed with the world for waking me up... morning is like 'mourning' to me... im an insomniac, i treasure sleep).
Anyway coming back... so I dress up in neat jeans and t-shirt with a not-too-low-not-too-high neck. Mom wishes me luck as i wait for the elevator to reach the 2nd floor... she has the solider's-mommy look and i have the first-day-of-school look. Dad decided to drive me to the RajajiNagar RTO cos thats where i was registered... on the way he gives me tips on how to crack the DL-T cos well like all dads he is a superb driver. I listen to some of it, simultaneously Hollywood Car chase scenes flash in my mind.. glass shattering, tyres screeching, metal ramming, air bag popping... sound effects n all!
We reach and i hope i have inherited the driving-genes from dad rather than buttons-scare-me-genes from mom (she says she was a good driver... but i dont ever remember her driving.. so makes me wonder why).
Anyway i take my Learner's Permit and documents n go see the man who checks all of it... i assume hes the guy whos gonna be testing me (which he wasn) into Ms.Goody-two-shoes (which isn too hard).. I begin n end every sentence with 'sir' n he calls me 'madam' while the men get a scrowl about how they have grass rotting in their skull.... im the only girl giving the test that day among 22 men.
Anyway after we all have our documents checked another tiny chatty man comes n tells us all to get our vehicles and come to Peenya grounds.... now i panic because firstly i dont possess a vehicle, secondly Peenya is like the North Pole and finally.... did he just say A GROUND!!!! whatever happened to straight ---> U ---> straight?? But then ground could mean no traffic (no glass shattering, no tyres screeching, no metal ramming and no air bag popping), also Peenya... how many people could be living there right? so lesser audience.

Since i was the only girl who was staring into space while the panic ran through my mind... the lil chatty guy brought an ancient Maruti 800 owned by some "Sri Devi Driving School" to take me and a few other guys there. Now among these guys was one Mr.Enthu Cutlet (a local slang for a lad with a fly up his rectum). I get the front seat (after lil chatty guy swears at Enthu-cutlet for pushing us all aside to sit ahead... finally he had to stuff himself with 3 other men behind... did i mention in a maruti 800??) I thanked myself for missing the Y chromosome :D

After 45 minutes..... 3 under construction fly overs...... 8 dusty lanes....... 10 cows........ and a game of street cricket, we reach the Peenya Grounds.

Peenya Grounds:
Picture a stadium where Man-U is playing Liverpool..... now shrink that picture 10 times. Add a lot more inappropriate people in randomly yet multi coloured checked shirts, few fake signals, traffic sign posts, round-abouts, slopes, fake gardens and sharp turns.... also a stage at one corner with 3 officers on microphones yelling out names and numbers (and sometimes results when the geniuses forget the microphone is on............ "Manjunatha... FAIL'oo!").

My mind is thinking WHAT HAPPENED TO STRAIGHT ---> U ---> STRAIGHT!!?!?!??!!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

I become a zombie and follow everybody else from my car onto the stage. The mood is like in a concentration camp and its the last scene of "The Boy in The Striped Pyjamas".... the officer checks my documents again and assigns me a number (4). I wait as 1, 2 and 3 (who by the way is Mr.Enthu Cutlet) get done.. Turns out Enthu was giving the test for the 5th time.. passed this time.. promised the entire crowd a Chicken Biryani lunch... My breakfast almost regurgitated at the mention of food... also the fact that i was next to be tested nudged it closer.
I sit in the driver's seat. Little chatty guy says he would help and it will be easy and tells me to take off my shoes- wear the seat belt- and breathe!.. As is get ready i realise what a big change this car was from the Swift i learnt in..
This car was an antique piece where the levers followed the All-or-none law and were dangerously hypermobile... while the steering wheel wasn!
Anyway i sit in, buckle up and am all ready to Vroom (in 1st gear...cos well we're not allowed to change any).
The lil chatty guy talks me through it, i go straight.. take a left... drive up the slope--- take a sharp left--- drive a little--- take a left and go down the slope--- take another left and complete the round-about---- get out of there into a bifurcation where i had to choose the lane which dint flash the "NO ENTRY" sign--- drive straight stop, put the car into reverse gear--- drive zig zag in reverse--- turn into the next lane in reverse--- back to 1st gear and drive down and parallel park!

Now lemme tell you the finer details of how it happened:
I go straight ("go fast go fast")... take a left... drive up the slope--- take a sharp left ("Woah!")--- drive a little ("slow down"....... the car stops, all or none law... i mutter something and restart it)--- take a left and go down the slope-- take another left and complete the round about ("Aaaaaah dont touch the grass!! careful"... i dint.)--- get out of there into the bifurcation, choose the right lane--- drive straight, stop, (chatty guy gets out and says "ok put it in reverse and listen to me.. when i say right go right and when i say left go left"...duh!... so i put it in reverse only to realise the damn lever is so hypermobile, when put in reverse brings the lever between my legs!) and start uncomfortably driving back but the car dies and i take a breath, restart--- go zig zag perfectly--- turn into the next lane in reverse--- back to 1st gear and drive down--- parallel park ("yea a little left no right no left left!!")

I get out... chatty guy says i did good but the car died twice, not a good sign.... i hmmm and walk up the stage....the officer looks at me and says "you can drive..but your car broke down twice... u just need some practice... come back in 10 days... practice ok?? you'l get your license"

By this time i really din't give a shit :P... i mean yea he was right i did have no practice and well i do have the worst luck sometimes (WHAT HAPPENED TO STRAIGHT-U-STRAIGHT!!?!?!) :D :D :D.. I told the officer i would see him in 10 Days, flashed him my brightest smile and took half an hour to find my way to a main road to get myself an autorickshaw to take me home.


In 10 Days:
I was up in the Himalayas Trekking in a land far far away from Peenya Grounds... walkin 13 kms a day... telling myself blah who needs a car! There r too many people i know who claim to "LOVE driving"... the world needs people like Me, who "LOVE walkin and being driven if necessary" :P


Hmmm So yea i flunked my DL test... in India.. although it wasn as easy as it usually is said to be... but i flunked it.. and i do regret it but not as much as i should.... may be in 2 years if/when i'm back from UK, i shall probably then have my straight - U - Straight test... the one i should have had! :P

WAZZ HAPPENIN'??

okay i know its been long since i spilt my guts out in front of ya'l. But fear not.. im back again all ready to regurgitate or otherwise.

Highlights:

a) im still unemployed, by choice. Apparently the hospitals want us to sign a bond that says "I give u full permission to whoop my ass for ATLEAST a year before i say 'I QUIT!'"

b) The patients i do see are friends of parents, neighbours who have heard i'm a physiotherapist and assume i don't need to be paid, relatives who've seen me since i was a baby n believe in the Barter system ("oh ill take u for ice cream for doing this")..... but then again, doesn't really matter as yet, atleast i get to do some real work instead of Facebooking all day.

c) I got into the Sheffield Hallam university in UK which i am supposed to join on 16th September 2009 so a) can shove it where the sun dont shine.

d) my University guys lost ("misplaced")my visa letter that they were to send me in july, somewhere between Hyderabad and United Kingdom.... finally got it on 9th August.

e) while my visa letter was sunk at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean (??? i think..) i utilized the time up trekking on the Himalayas till August 10th... ("when life gives you lemons, add tequila n salt" a wise man once said.. or was it SMSed?)

f) i have applied for my UK visa 20 days ago and i am still waiting for it, i'm supposed to fly on the 10th so.... lets just say Barney Stintson and a multitaskin friend working at HP help me cope up with my insomnia.

g) i never really enjoyed living at home in Bangalore, mostly because the only friends i had here were in school and college and now that i dont go to any, ive spent my last few months clinging onto my 11th-12th std friend whoz comin along to UK with me.

h) Thanks to her, i met some of the most awesome people who made me wish i'd done engineering (yes.. for once the reason isn't that they're buying cars while i am taking loans) and looked like just another person in the family... (psst psst my ENTIRE family is saturated with techies.... im not different, im special :P)

i) I'm hoping to get my visa soon cos i cannot wait to write about living with the British :)

Me Good... Me Bad... Me Ugly.

I'm one of those who hates Sundays at the moment..(ok im probably the only one but i don't like being the 'only one' so don't correct me).. why? Because every Sunday
1) i have to leave home at 8 am
2)to reach the bus stand at 8:15 am (thanx to dad drivin me there)
3)to catch a bus to Vijaynagar
4)so i can catch another bus to Nagarbhavi (which in a friend's words... is next to friggin EGYPT!)
5)to make it in time for a class which is from 9:30 am to 3:30 pm (ON A SUNDAY... if i haven said it already)
6)then repeat step 4 n 3 to get back home..

SATURDAY NIGHT: My brother n me decide since hes been working awfully late the whole week its time we spend Saturday night on some good ol' brother-sister bonding.... so we get the Iron Man DVD out, sneak into the kitchen fill our bowls with shit load of icecream, fight about who gets the bean bag n abt who touched the remote last because i can't find it n he wont get his ass off of the bean bag... finally movie starts at 12:10 am(sunday now)..
In abt 10 mins the thought of mum throwin me outta bed at 7 am for the class creeps in but i tell myself im gonna be sleepy anyway so 'blah!'...besides the movie was getting interesting with Tony Stark's "weapon that only needs to be shot once" n all.... But as fate has it, the lights go out jus when Yinsen tells Stark (whoz "the incomplete Iron-Man" at that moment) that hes goin to buy some time n runs, without a gun, in the direction of the armed enemy..... I swear at the timing n decide its a sign that i gotta crash...

SUNDAY MORNING: [quiet + peaceful darkness ----> mum yellin + bright sunlight] Its 8 am!! Partially oriented, I 'Plyometric' my way up n ready by 8:15 for dad to drop me off at the bus stand...
I then see my dad still sleepin.............. (MURPHY"S 12th LAW: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.)
I reach the bus stand by 8:30... the bus i generally take is gone. i wait n let a million buses to Majestic pass (Another way to reach EGYPT is thru Majestic which is the main bus stand in Bangalore city....also well known for some "ass-pinching"). I finally get my bus at 9... im leanin on the window listening to music on my cellphone half asleep...
In a few mins, i'm rudely resuscitated by a Whoosh of a Lavender perfume. i turn to see a woman next to me smiling.. i smile back n stick my head almost out of the window this time, to clear my respiratory tract b4 a migraine sets in.. I get poked n realise Lavender Lady wants to talk so i get my earplugs out.. She asks me if i work at a call centre... I, who was expecting a "whats ur name" first, look a lil shocked... she says "my daughter also works in a call centre... works at the strangest times... looks as terrible as you when she gets back..poor you children"................................... Gooooooooooooooood Morning Priyanka!!! Anyway im bored so i agree abt the call centre work, tell her its very stressful n gain her sympathy..She talks some more about call centres, i thank myself for watching Outsourced n Hello (whatever bit of it i actually watched) n keep the conversation going... she gets off at Magadi Road where a big poster of TAKAT (some Kannada movie) showing an ugly man with a hairless sweaty chest n a red bandana on his forehead distracts me in a way Godzilla distracted Manhattan. (This by the way is the stop where i get my weekly knowledge on Kannada movies so i like keepin my eyes open n get updated)
I change buses at Vijayanagar...its 9:15 n im thinkin to the bus "how fast can you go baby".... the seat i get is next to a dude whoz on his way to his 12th tuitions, which i eventually find out. He sees the "PHYSIOTHERAPY" on the back of my college jacket which i'd grabbed from home cos i cudn find another one on my way out n asks if im a Physiotherapist. i say "yes" (successfully suppressed my urge to add "good work nancy drew" cos he seemed sweet).. after a few seconds he adds "so u work with crazy people??"......... i agree.. i also realise he has me confused with Psychiatrists.
I prepare myself for a story about "the voices in his head" but nothing.... I suddenly miss being a Physiotherapist, which by the way ALWAYS gets a better reaction..a story about an ache, a lazy daughter-in-law/husband who doesn help or an age old fracture, any story that ends with a "so what massage should i get??".... Anyway we talk a bit... actually he did all the talkin (i swear).... after about 5 mins of him telling me abt his girlfriend/classmate and abt how crap his tuitions are, i start to wonder if i was supposed to counsel him on it... but no.. his stop is almost here so he gets ready to go.
He looks back n says "so u have a boyfriend??"
Me: "aaa.... yea" (WHAAAAAAAAAT??? i can't be a single woman working with mentally ill people all day..... thats jus sad.)
He: "doctor?"
Me: "yea" (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?! im a busy woman... i dont have time to meet ppl outta the hospital okay....n i strictly do not date patients/crazy ppl)
He: "you work together?"
Me: "no hes a........... Psychiatrist"
He: "huh?? *confused look* ok... bye"
Me: " :) bye"

Its 9:45 am... i know im very late but im also sure the 9:30 class hasn started.. im usually the first one in class at 9 silently abusing the latecomers for making me miss breakfast, thats how i know.
I walk in, find my seat and the class begins...
I jus spent 90 mins being 3 people and I'm back to being sleepy....

Things to do before 2027... finally has enuf to publish :)

Started this list a while ago....hence some of these have been accomplished...
1. Date a indecently decent chap whoz not an asshole. (TRUST ME aint as easy as it sounds... for the men, can invert the gender as well..i understand.)
2. buy a house.
3. buy a car.
4. Get a pet.
5. See the whole of India.
6. Go to 5 new places out of India
7. Be somebodys miracle.*
8. Find my own miracle.
9. go Scuba diving.
10. get my ab cuts back (sniff sniff)
11. sing at a karaoke bar
12. go to a gay bar
13. get drunk.*
14. see the Kohinoor diamond n bitch about how i paid a foreign country to see whats ours.
15. catch a snowflake on my tongue
16. learn to speak spanish... or atleast sound like i can ;)
17. make a chinese friend, talk to him/her in konkani n convince them its an ancient Chinese dialect. (which it is...shhhhh)
18. do something no woman has ever done before.*
19. go fishing and actally catch something. *
20. eat something i wud never eat... then pray the damn thing doesn come alive in my tummy.
21. write my book.... and publish it.
22. touch an ostrich.*
23. fly (without an aeroplane...or weed :P)*
24. live my chocolate fantasy ;)
25. live someone elses fantasy ;) ;)
26. learn to roller blade.
27. have a moment in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight.
28. spend a day in a tree house
29. bump into God*
30. witness birth*
31. go boing boing in a biiiig trampoline
32. own a funky wig
33. hold an eagle.
34. shoot a gun... a real one.
35. learn 5 magic tricks.
36. solve a mystery.
37. find treasure.
38. see a real live humming bird.
39. hug a bear.
40. make a snow angel.*



shall be continued...

Too Fast, Two Furious... iN Yo SwiFt! 8)

Men say women can't drive... i beg to differ... women can VERY MUCH drive.. its just a few like Me who have a lil difficulty with all the buttons n the levers n the wheels n the jhig-mig blinking lights..ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE for a beginner, especially when your damn driving instructor cant stop instructing u... i mean WHATS WITH THAT GUY??!?!?! "oooooh dont go so fast" "push the accelerator" "press the clutch" "turn right"... ah will u shut up n let me drive! sheesh if u wanna push it so much, u push it, i knw u got em too under ur stubby legs!
Breathe priyanka... breathe... good air in, bad air out.. hmmm..
Okay lemme introduce u to the characters of this lil story....*drumroll*... Lead role bagged by the one, the only..... Me! also starring.. my swift (ok not technically 'Mine') and my driving instructor "Pansitis" (hes pansy n hes infectious.. spreads his pansy-ism to the ppl in n outta the car).... ooh and the cute guy who usually drives before me..
Today the whole traffic system of Bangalore was against me... i reach the driving school at 1 pm (thats the time i drive), n me n the cute guy wait for Pansitis to come so we can vroom away.. Finally he arrives with a petrified sweaty housewife in the front n her 10 yr old daughter in the back whos face is smashed across the glass as if trying to walk through it.. Pansitis instructs me to come ahead which surprises me cos its the cute guy who usually drives first hence hes never seen my driving moves (kinda thankful for that i must say)..
Moving along.. my 3rd driving class.. so i sit in, start the car, slowly let go of the clutch, turn right into the street n begin driving... and truthfully i drive pretty well... I DO. but today i have no idea what was with the world.... Pansitis makes me enter a galli which we later realize is blocked for tarring so i have to take a U turn in the tiny lane which for a beginner is pretty tricky.. but i do it, i get it out of the lane n enter another one... Pansy says push the accelerator.. n jus then outta nowhere 3 college boys on ONE bike rush in n almost bang into me, thank god for my quick reflexes... Pansitis has arrhythmias this time..
Then as im driving further we realise thr is no gas, so he makes me drive into a bunk n fill petrol... all was well.. Im gettin out back on the street while Pansitis continues with his mantra "press the clutch, let go of the accelerator" (i knw.. uve said it a million times... if i can remember the action of every tiny muscle in ur body, i can remember THIS!!)... Im driving along this big broad not-so-empty road ("push the accelerator") we suddenly see a police truck parked about ten feet away... Pansitis says "wear ur seat belt!!!!" so as im driving i try to get the seat belt fastened.. which again for a beginner going pretty fast on a big road with police ahead.. is stressful!!!
Meanwhile Pansy chats with the cute guy sitting behind all this while about the police and the chicks workin at the petrol bunk :S.. And then he tells me how my feet never leave the accelerator... im like "hello excuse me??!?!?! let me introduce u to Long Legs... i cant LEAVE this space cos i NEED the space... jus be glad i aint pushing it" i felt like telling him... But considering i aint that good with Kannada i decided against it.... Seriously its oh-so hard to be sarcastic in Kannada without sounding like u're making a 'move'.... and i had absolutely no intentions of making any moves on Pansitis esp since hes short, dark, has a pot belly n calls me "Myaa-Dum"...
So we continue on our never ending journey to nowhere, enter another tiny galli (lotsa those where i live), and some jerks park their 2 wheelers at the strangest angles n on the opposite side f the lane is another smarty pants who decided to park his big ass maruti 800 (when the galli is THAT small, even the 800 looks relatively big ass) and as im preparing myself to dodge all of this, a Scoda drives in from the other side.....
I send my khunass-bhara vibes to Mr.God who im sure was enjoying watching "Are u Smarter than a Frustrated Beginner?"... Pansitis leans forward like its the last ball of the match n India needs 6 to win... The Scoda-man looks me in the eye with a my-cars-cooler-than-yours look.. N i give him the 'U-wanna-mess-with-the-chick-with-an-L-stuck-on-her-car?' look... I win hands down... i go swish swash n slide my car back into the safety zone.. Pansitis by then almost passes out.. Cute guy gives me a crooked smile... All is well and i finally reach my driving school again... park it.. turn the car off n get out.. Pansitis instead of sympathising with me n telling me how well i handled the bikes n the police and the scodas says i gotta stop using the accelerator so much.... I get into the back seat (cos its cute guys turn now) n mutter about how i wanna CLUTCH n BRAKE him and ACCELERATE away...

But not today... may be tomorrow.

cos this story jus needs to be told..

...Back when I was in the 3rd year... I dont really remember how the day began...but thats not relevant here...

My roomate.. for confidentiality purposes lets call her "Spank-a-swine"... So Spank-a-swine is very sick, i dunno what it is, she doesn know what it is... which means i gotta take her to the hospital... and going to the doctor in our hospital on a busy day means you pray time expands..

At about 11 am after a couple of classes, me and Spank-a-swine are sittin in the waiting room of the orthopaedic department among men with Plaster of paris casts which are no longer anywhere close to white, women with troubled faces holding cranky babies with runny noses, MIT 'rockstars' with compression bandages or casts with Graffiti telling the reader to "F*** OFF"...

Its almost 1:45 pm and we're still in the same spot (hey i just realised doesn it close for lunch even?) and my GIT is swirling n twirling inside me... also our clinics are about to start at 2. So Spank-a-swine asks me to leave for clinics and says she'd ask her boyfriend to come stay with her.. for confidentiality purposes lets call him "Creep-wanker" (i luv u buddy but the other choices were just too.... boring).

So i wade my way outta there n rush to Dhanvantri which is our Neurology Department..the one department where there is so much work to do it will crack your spine (hey Spank-a-swine.. you cud've been Crack-a-spine :P). Luckily (or may be not) I'm posted in the CTS ICU (cardio thoracis surgery ICU.. which in my 3rd year used to harbour Neurology patients) with another friend of mine.... for confidentiality purposes lets call her "Birth-control".

So me and Birth-control reach the ICU, n we usually treat 2 patients along with a PG, "Paprika"... Since i've had a rough day without food (which for me is very vital) Paprika and Birth-control offer to take the drowsy fella and allow me to handle this one comparitively alert patient.. all i have to do is get him to stand and pivot him onto the wheel chair... can easily be done solo if the guy co-operative.. Lets call this guy "Umesh".. for confidentiality purposes :)...

So i go to Umesh and tell him he needs to sit down and he says he wants to sleep like hes been doin all day. I coax him into sitting, telling him his family is waiting outside to see him. Somehow magically he sits and in the process stands even.. Now the thing about ICUs is... EVERYTHING there has wheels and none of their locks work.. so when he stood his bed hit the back of his knee and rolled to the wall. But doesn matter cos my man is standing now... Unfortunately just before i pivot him he realises thet HE IS STANDING and doesn want to.. knees buckle and now his face is rested on my forearm with my arms around his torso....i'd let him sit but im still holding him cos there nothing under his butt! Paprika and Birth-control rush to bring the wheelchair closer. And i continue telling Umesh to stand up atleast for a few seconds so i can put him on to something... All he says to me is "GOD IS GREAT!!!"...

Moments later i can feel something cold and wet on my forearm... i tell Birth-control that and she peeps to check what im talkin about... "HES BITING YOU!!!!!!!!!" are the next words i hear echoing in the ICU.. We put him down get him off me. Luckily it dint puncture my skin but yeah he sure did gimme a hate-hickey. :(

Anyway we take him out.. he meets family.. comes back in.. we very carefully put him back to bed... i go to keep the wheelchair back while Birth-control was still around him fixing his bed and "FIITTTISH!!!" a ripping sound is heard.. i rush to the bed to find Birth-control with her hands across her mouth.. I ask her if he slapped her or something (thats what it sounded like) and she shakes her head indicating 'No' and points at his pelvis... took me seconds to figure out what he'd done............ pulled his condom catheter and let go... ouch!

It is 6 by the time we leave the ICU.. 2 hours later than we should've left. Paprika and Birth-control force me to go to the Trauma to get a Tetanus toxoid immediately even though i assure them there were greater chances of me dying of fatigue and starvation. I enter the Trauma Centre, there is one doctor there staring at the computer screen examining some patient's X-ray... i thank god for the last thing i needed was a herd of doctors listening to my embarrassing ''history'. I walk up to him n mumble "i need a TT".. "why?" (still lookin at the Xray)... "Got a bite".... "What bit u?"(raises an eyebrow n gives me a crooked smile..) ... "patient". In seconds i have no idea from where half a dozen doctors appeared around the counter with similar raised eyebrows and crooked smiles like Bell's Palsy was suddenly an epidemic!

I swore under my breath, got my shot n walked to Cosmo (cafe close by) where Spank-a-swine and Creep-wanker were waiting for me.. The last thing i remember was resting my head on its cool glass table......

Two hearts, One soul......

Now im back home from Manipal, "totally lost dunno what to do" kinda situation... parents r dozing, da cable isn't working, im too lazy to do any outdoor activity at the moment n nobodys online.... At times like these i relive good ol' days... okay so im still mentally in Manipal, i tried not to believe it but i ws just caught sleep talkin.. STOP THINKIN :P, i was only taking patient history in my sleep.. was dreaming about some housewife with heel pain... now it makes sense to me, cos everytime i asked her a question i wudn get a reply :S... i figured she was Mallu... oh damn! i hope i wasn acting it all out in my dream like i usually do with Mallu cases..parents will think im possessed :O

Okay okay deviating from the topic, come back now.. i jus realised im never gonna get patients who're cranky housewives with 15 family members or farmers hit by their ox/fallen off their tractors... all ill have to deal with will probably be software engineers who need posture correction, overworked working women who'l have no time to bitch abt their daughter-in-laws to me (those cranky housewives.. awesome fun!)..

Anyway im here to tell you about one of my coolest patients during my surgery posting... that ajja was hilarious.. he used to make my day :)....so the situation was i had jus returned from home after a long vacation and a crazy bus journey, reached back just in time to grab my lab coat n rush to work.. i was so hungry, sleepy n tired n had all new patients cos i was gone on a long leave... i was thankful cos wasn really feeling too chatty that day.

So i enter the L3 ward, walk up to the skinny old man who was a post-op case of stomach carcinoma. I start giving him the usual "deergha shwasa tokolli ajja.. mooginda tokoli baayinda bidi" (take a deep breath.. inhale from ur nose, exhale from ur mouth) command... Little did i know this ajja was the talkative sorts.. he started telling me about his cancer and how the doctors removed a part of his stomach n how his "tube" hole (oesophageal opening) has become small so he cant eat anything big n solid..... i "hmmm"ed him n continued... finally he was so frustrated he stopped me n said "Why r u makin me do these exercises??!!".. i said "see u're taking really small breaths, u need to take in more air so u can get well soon"... he looked at me like i'm some idiot n said "but i told u!!! my hole is small!! i cant take big things inside!"........ we looked at each other for about 10 seconds.. me trying to figure out what was his problem..... him, i dunno probably wondering which planet i was from.... I finally realized may be i knew what the whole misunderstanding was all about.

i sat down next to him n said "ajja there r 2 bags in your body.. one for ur food, one for ur air... 2 tubes carry those 2 things separately... ur food hole is small.. ur air hole is still big.. so breathe".... he looks at me like i told him Man was a Monkey (shudve tried that) or that the Earth wasn the centre of the universe... he looks at his chest which is pretty much only ribs n says "LOOK AT ME! im so small.. I HAVE 2 BAGS.. AND 2 TUBES!! where is there place for it to fit in here??" (i was so tempted to tell him he had 2 bags for air alone, but nah!) Anyway he believed me cos well i had the white coat on... so that was Biology class 1.

Next day i go meet him-treat him, we're best buddies by now... we go through the whole routine of exercises n chit-chat about which patient/nurse/doctor did what to which patient/nurse/doctor and when i was auscultating him post treatment he asks me "what do u hear through the stethoscope??"... i was flabbergasted hearing him use the word "stethoscope" and not "steth" as most doctors around say it... I tell him doctors use it to listen to the air you breathe in and ur heart beat..... he then asks me "why do u hold my wrist then??"... im tellin ya that ajja was so curious n smart if he had the opportunity he'd be a famous doctor today.... I say "to feel for ur heart beat (im not so good at the medical kannada terminology so i figured heart beat, pulse beat... whats the big difference)"....
His eyes got bigger than his face when he said the next few words...... "NOW U TELL ME I HAVE 2 HEARTS!! :O :O" :D :D :D well took me a while to explain the anatomy n physiology but he finally got it... :D

:( shucks.. i miss the hospital!

And then one day...

I could tell you i dreamt of a vulture eating a rat and interpreted it as my doom, or got a warning from Santa Claus that i was in his 'naughty' list too early in the year... But nope, none of it happened... I jus woke up one day n thought "hmm i feel lousy.. i need to save the planet or something"... Explains why when the college wanted help this Sunday (today) for a disability survey in this village called Udyavar , I volunteered.
Only after mine n a few other names were carved in stone did they tell us they needed us at the college by 7:30 AM on a SUNDAY in formals looking like its-not-a-sunday....."We're doing a good job, counting the number of disabled people in a village is much more productive than staying buried under your comfy quilt till after 10 dreaming n re-dreaming a dream just to avoid reality after a ridiculously hectic week.... WE ARE DOING GOOD" is what we told ourselves....
My conscience (the bitch is too loud! so much for 'tiny voice in your head') dragged me outta bed..Next thing i remember is me in the stationary bus, half my brain suffering a splitting headache while the other half was planning how best to kill the squeaky girl behind me who was conversing with an idiot who made her talk...
The bus started to move at 9 am, an hour later than scheduled... we reach the place, there was a small ceremony of lighting the lamp n a couple of people gave us speeches in Kannada nobody really understood followed by breakfast. We were split up n each one got an Anganwadi woman (local community workers) sent with them to make sure we dint get lost in the district.
Ours was one popular lady who wanted to get things done well and ASAP...So she'd take us to everybody, have a quick chit chat n get them to answer our questionnaire.. n if thr wasn anybody home she knew everything abt them so it dint matter :)...
Something we all noticed was, every house had a dog..EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM no matter how tiny or big the house was... n not those cute coochy moochy poochy pomeranians or somethin, the proper hatta-khatta desi kuttas whose bark will connect ones ear to their urinary bladder... Lucky for my mates, im one helluva charmer so i was cooooooooooooooool with them around 8) :P. Everytime we got lost in the jungle we'd follow the sound of a bark somewhr far far away to get us back to civilisation.
By noon we had knocked on doors of about 100 homes n were so exhausted, i was gonna have a heat stroke i think. Anyway the next house we went to this old lady invited us in n we politely refused as we had many more places to go to n couldn afford spending time in peoples homes. She offered to get us something to drink n i was imagining a big glass of iced tea with a slice of lemon dangling frm the brim, shining like amber as sun rays passed through it (hey i was dehydrated so excuse the hallucinations will ya :P )... or even a simple glass of cold water...THEN the nice lady came out with a big glass of hot milk fresh from the udders of their cow... she actually said that with a glow on her face that would make my "sun-rays-thru-amber-like iced tea glass look like a chunk of coal"... now how could one refuse something like that even though one has never ever had hot milk without sugar (or boost..secret of my energy), and one couldn stop thinking abt the 'fresh from the cows udders' fact that made ones intestinal bacteria ill.. ALAS what one mother whos known her daughter for 21 years couldn accomplish, a simple village lady did in a matter of 15 minutes! :O..
Moving on...We were energised by the wholesome milk we said our goodbyes n continued our journey across Udyavar... now i know Kannada and so does the Community worker but somehow while conversing with me she'd forget that fact every 15 mins (i've recently been Ghajini'fied, if it were Goa i'd have advised her tatooing...) n start conversing with me in broken english, hindi or very slowly yet loudly spoken Kannada...
We were walking throught fields n this woman kept telling us to watch out for the "kaantes" ('thorns' in hindi) so we were keeping our eyes on the ground... After a while she started gettin really panicky about the whole thorns thing, i wanted to tell her to relax n that we were brave babes who can kick the thorns' ass MATRIX style.. so i look up to tell her that n there i see her resting her right elbow on her left palm, forearms pointing to the sky n cupped palm waving at me while she continued her "kaante" chant n then, like a tequila shot it hit my brain.... IT WASN THE THORNS SHE WAS WORRIED ABOUT... THE FIELD HAD SNAKES THAT WOULD "KAANTE" (also 'bite' in hindi) US IF WE DINT GET OURSELVES OUTTA THERE! Boy Oh Boy! that was such a filmy scene i assure you.. the rush of information, the camera closes in on my face emphasizing my pupil dialation, sudden pull back of the camera and there we were standing right in the middle of the 4 fields surrounded by god alone knows how many snakes...
If it were an animated movie somewhere there would be a handsome topless man, strangely hairless, with perfect abs, toned pects swinging on coconut tree leaves (we're in south india so lets not get ahead of ourselves) yelling from the bottom of his throat that would make the birds fly away, and he'd be coming for us damsels in distress (okay i think im dehydrated right now hehe)... But none of it was gonna happen so we took the longest strides n got to safety.

Finally at about 1:30 pm we were done with 170 homes we were allotted n finally got on to local buses that took us back to Manipal, and in the next hour we were in an air conditioned cafe waiting for our fish n chips to arrive.

Even though we had to go through it all on a Sunday instead of lazing at home or hitting the beach... this was one Sunday that will stay in my memory like a laminated picture and always make me smile and my intestinal bacteria squirm...