I'm a May born summer baby, which means all my school life ive had my birthdays during the summer vacations, at grandad's, Mangalore usually with cousins n family... now dont get me wrong, i love them all.. very very much. But as a kid i always wanted the typical classroom birthday, atleast once.. wearing a pretty frock while the rest of the school wore the same old boring uniform... with a box full of chocolates while the rest of them waited for me to distribute it... and oh no.. tch tch.. not before you sing that lame song to me... even if it sounds terrible when sung by 50 odd children in pitches that would deafen dogs. :)
ATTEMPT 1: I attended a convent school in Bombay till i was 7. One day, some day, Sister Rosy was giving us instructions about dressing up in colour clothes the coming week for some Saint's feast. Unfortunately i only heard the part about the clothes and assumed it was for the next day... i dont really remember what i was doing...hmm.. Anyway so i go home and tell my mother who loved dressing me up about the whole arrangement. When it came to clothes i had my ground rules (No whites, if worn dont blame me if it comes back home brown; no itchy shiny material that makes me wanna scratch; no high necks that make me feel like im being choked; no clothes that limited my range of motion while climing walls)... So i go to school the next day wearing a pretty skirt only to see my whole class in uniform... now i dint know what to do, i was 5 yrs old for cryin' out loud! So when the kids looked happy n asked me if it was my birthday i agreed because well, they looked so happy and nobody wants to make kids sad right?... okay FINE also because i got wished 49 TIMES and i knew what else was ins tore!!!!! :P. But what i did not know was while i was enjoying my 15 minutes of fame, my mother was explaining to Sister Rosy what had ACTUALLY happened. So this story ended with a pasting........... *sigh* i was only 5 yrs old! Sister Rosy was mean... ATTEMPT 2: In the 7th standard, i was now studying in Bangalore. I knew this was my last chance for a 'school birthday' cos well next year i was going to attend High School 8)... which then was like Hollywood to the rest of us non-high-schoolians (and College was considered Heaven....well ignorance is bliss they say)... Anyway so i tell my mother i HAVE to celebrate my birthday in school atleast this once! Finally my mother gives up trying to convince me, so we go shopping for something i have never bought before (or since)... Two Whole Big Bag of Toffees (i remember it was Caramilk, cos thats the only one which was sold in big packs in that store).. And I don't mean to sound like an amateur criminal but "I've never seen so many sweets together in my whole life"!! So then the next day, i dress up in my best clothes, put my stash in a big box and wait at my building gate for the autorickshaw to come pick me up at 8:30 for school...
*tick tock tick tock... 8:25* ate one choc at the gate.
*tick tock tick tock 8:35* ate 2 more
*tick tock tick tock 8:45* by this time im stress eating 3 in a shot... its an art by the way, unwrapping 3 toffees at a time.
*tick tock tick tock 9:00* (school is supposed to have started) mum yells out to me from home... i run back panicked cos i was one of those kids who considered reaching late, the Eighth Deadly Sin!!! (explains why i reached an hour early..or the rest reached one hour late!!!! for a lunch meet last week....Grrrrrr!)
Apparently my mother received a call from the school saying that day was declared a state holiday because a politician had passed away.
I assure you, when the rest of the school kids in Bangalore were high 5'ing and skipping back home i was the lone child sad that day even though i did not even know who the politician was....
Of course then on, ive had some of my BESTEST birthdays with friends and family and looking back at my fake 10th birthday, sorta funny. :)
And also never ate another Caramilk in my life since......... (not because it dug out heart aching memories but because in the next 2 days i finished the whole box of it.... now just the name can reproduce the smell of elaichi... *shudder*)
This post is dedicated to the Andhra CM, Y S Rajashekara Reddy, who passed away in a helicopter crash yesterday.
To the ignorant, tomorrow may just be another holiday, But you will be remembered by the ones Near and Dear to you. ....May your soul Rest In Peace....
#1 - you do not talk about this to anybody! #2 - you DO NOT talk about this to ANYBODY!!! #3 - If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out... reading stops. #4 - One person to this post... if u have a conjoint twin cut him off! #5 - "No shirts, no shoes".................. :) ;) :P #6 - If this is your first time in this blog, you have to read.
okay then.. if the above mentioned terms and conditions are acceptable to you ladies (dont bother with #5.... no seriously..dont!) n gentlemen you may proceed.
Okay, buckle up.. im gonna tell you about the day i gave my Driver's License test.
Now lets 'be kind, rewind' a month before the Big Day.
After i finished my 20 classes with Pansitis (my driving instructor, refer "Too Fast Too Furious In Yo Swift" for a recap) I had to leave town to do my journal work back at my university. I returned home after a month and it was time for me to give the test... In the mean time i never found the time (or the car) to practice the 'art' of driving. All jittery i go see my cousin who recently got his DL, n he assures me its E-zee!
"See 3 are taken in the car.. one drives straight, the other takes a U-turn and the 3rd drives the baby back.. voila! all of us have DLs!"..... he said.
i tell myself 'You can do that!' i mean Pansitis wasn THAT bad either :P..... or was he? *dhan dhan dhan dhaaaaaan!!*
THE D(L)- DAY: Begins like any other day... except a) I wake up before i hear my name being YELLED! b)I not only make breakfast but even eat a little (i HATE breakfasts... mostly cos im pissed with the world for waking me up... morning is like 'mourning' to me... im an insomniac, i treasure sleep). Anyway coming back... so I dress up in neat jeans and t-shirt with a not-too-low-not-too-high neck. Mom wishes me luck as i wait for the elevator to reach the 2nd floor... she has the solider's-mommy look and i have the first-day-of-school look. Dad decided to drive me to the RajajiNagar RTO cos thats where i was registered... on the way he gives me tips on how to crack the DL-T cos well like all dads he is a superb driver. I listen to some of it, simultaneously Hollywood Car chase scenes flash in my mind.. glass shattering, tyres screeching, metal ramming, air bag popping... sound effects n all! We reach and i hope i have inherited the driving-genes from dad rather than buttons-scare-me-genes from mom (she says she was a good driver... but i dont ever remember her driving.. so makes me wonder why). Anyway i take my Learner's Permit and documents n go see the man who checks all of it... i assume hes the guy whos gonna be testing me (which he wasn) into Ms.Goody-two-shoes (which isn too hard).. I begin n end every sentence with 'sir' n he calls me 'madam' while the men get a scrowl about how they have grass rotting in their skull.... im the only girl giving the test that day among 22 men. Anyway after we all have our documents checked another tiny chatty man comes n tells us all to get our vehicles and come to Peenya grounds.... now i panic because firstly i dont possess a vehicle, secondly Peenya is like the North Pole and finally.... did he just say A GROUND!!!! whatever happened to straight ---> U ---> straight?? But then ground could mean no traffic (no glass shattering, no tyres screeching, no metal ramming and no air bag popping), also Peenya... how many people could be living there right? so lesser audience.
Since i was the only girl who was staring into space while the panic ran through my mind... the lil chatty guy brought an ancient Maruti 800 owned by some "Sri Devi Driving School" to take me and a few other guys there. Now among these guys was one Mr.Enthu Cutlet (a local slang for a lad with a fly up his rectum). I get the front seat (after lil chatty guy swears at Enthu-cutlet for pushing us all aside to sit ahead... finally he had to stuff himself with 3 other men behind... did i mention in a maruti 800??) I thanked myself for missing the Y chromosome :D
After 45 minutes..... 3 under construction fly overs...... 8 dusty lanes....... 10 cows........ and a game of street cricket, we reach the Peenya Grounds.
Peenya Grounds: Picture a stadium where Man-U is playing Liverpool..... now shrink that picture 10 times. Add a lot more inappropriate people in randomly yet multi coloured checked shirts, few fake signals, traffic sign posts, round-abouts, slopes, fake gardens and sharp turns.... also a stage at one corner with 3 officers on microphones yelling out names and numbers (and sometimes results when the geniuses forget the microphone is on............ "Manjunatha... FAIL'oo!").
My mind is thinking WHAT HAPPENED TO STRAIGHT ---> U ---> STRAIGHT!!?!?!??!!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
I become a zombie and follow everybody else from my car onto the stage. The mood is like in a concentration camp and its the last scene of "The Boy in The Striped Pyjamas".... the officer checks my documents again and assigns me a number (4). I wait as 1, 2 and 3 (who by the way is Mr.Enthu Cutlet) get done.. Turns out Enthu was giving the test for the 5th time.. passed this time.. promised the entire crowd a Chicken Biryani lunch... My breakfast almost regurgitated at the mention of food... also the fact that i was next to be tested nudged it closer. I sit in the driver's seat. Little chatty guy says he would help and it will be easy and tells me to take off my shoes- wear the seat belt- and breathe!.. As is get ready i realise what a big change this car was from the Swift i learnt in.. This car was an antique piece where the levers followed the All-or-none law and were dangerously hypermobile... while the steering wheel wasn! Anyway i sit in, buckle up and am all ready to Vroom (in 1st gear...cos well we're not allowed to change any). The lil chatty guy talks me through it, i go straight.. take a left... drive up the slope--- take a sharp left--- drive a little--- take a left and go down the slope--- take another left and complete the round-about---- get out of there into a bifurcation where i had to choose the lane which dint flash the "NO ENTRY" sign--- drive straight stop, put the car into reverse gear--- drive zigzag in reverse--- turn into the next lane in reverse--- back to 1st gear and drive down and parallel park!
Now lemme tell you the finer details of how it happened: I go straight ("go fast go fast")... take a left... drive up the slope--- take a sharp left ("Woah!")--- drive a little ("slow down"....... the car stops, all or none law... i mutter something and restart it)--- take a left and go down the slope-- take another left and complete the round about ("Aaaaaahdont touch the grass!! careful"... i dint.)--- get out of there into the bifurcation, choose the right lane--- drive straight, stop, (chatty guy gets out and says "ok put it in reverse and listen to me.. when i say right go right and when i say left go left"...duh!... so i put it in reverse only to realise the damn lever is so hypermobile, when put in reverse brings the lever between my legs!) and start uncomfortably driving back but the car dies and i take a breath, restart--- go zigzag perfectly--- turn into the next lane in reverse--- back to 1st gear and drive down--- parallel park ("yea a little left no right no left left!!")
I get out... chatty guy says i did good but the car died twice, not a good sign.... i hmmm and walk up the stage....the officer looks at me and says "you can drive..but your car broke down twice... u just need some practice... come back in 10 days... practice ok?? you'l get your license"
By this time i really din't give a shit :P... i mean yea he was right i did have no practice and well i do have the worst luck sometimes (WHAT HAPPENED TO STRAIGHT-U-STRAIGHT!!?!?!) :D :D :D.. I told the officer i would see him in 10 Days, flashed him my brightest smile and took half an hour to find my way to a main road to get myself an autorickshaw to take me home.
In 10 Days: I was up in the Himalayas Trekking in a land far far away from Peenya Grounds... walkin 13 kms a day... telling myself blah who needs a car! There r too many people i know who claim to "LOVE driving"... the world needs people like Me, who "LOVE walkin and being driven if necessary" :P
Hmmm So yea i flunked my DL test... in India.. although it wasn as easy as it usually is said to be... but i flunked it.. and i do regret it but not as much as i should.... may be in 2 years if/when i'm back from UK, i shall probably then have my straight - U - Straight test... the one i should have had! :P
okay i know its been long since i spilt my guts out in front of ya'l. But fear not.. im back again all ready to regurgitate or otherwise.
Highlights:
a) im still unemployed, by choice. Apparently the hospitals want us to sign a bond that says "I give u full permission to whoop my ass for ATLEAST a year before i say 'I QUIT!'"
b) The patients i do see are friends of parents, neighbours who have heard i'm a physiotherapist and assume i don't need to be paid, relatives who've seen me since i was a baby n believe in the Barter system ("oh ill take u for ice cream for doing this")..... but then again, doesn't really matter as yet, atleast i get to do some real work instead of Facebooking all day.
c) I got into the Sheffield Hallam university in UK which i am supposed to join on 16th September 2009 so a) can shove it where the sun dont shine.
d) my University guys lost ("misplaced")my visa letter that they were to send me in july, somewhere between Hyderabad and United Kingdom.... finally got it on 9th August.
e) while my visa letter was sunk at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean (??? i think..) i utilized the time up trekking on the Himalayas till August 10th... ("when life gives you lemons, add tequila n salt" a wise man once said.. or was it SMSed?)
f) i have applied for my UK visa 20 days ago and i am still waiting for it, i'm supposed to fly on the 10th so.... lets just say Barney Stintson and a multitaskin friend working at HP help me cope up with my insomnia.
g) i never really enjoyed living at home in Bangalore, mostly because the only friends i had here were in school and college and now that i dont go to any, ive spent my last few months clinging onto my 11th-12th std friend whoz comin along to UK with me.
h) Thanks to her, i met some of the most awesome people who made me wish i'd done engineering (yes.. for once the reason isn't that they're buying cars while i am taking loans) and looked like just another person in the family... (psst psst my ENTIRE family is saturated with techies.... im not different, im special :P)
i) I'm hoping to get my visa soon cos i cannot wait to write about living with the British :)
I'm one of those who hates Sundays at the moment..(ok im probably the only one but i don't like being the 'only one' so don't correct me).. why? Because every Sunday 1) i have to leave home at 8 am 2)to reach the bus stand at 8:15 am (thanx to dad drivin me there) 3)to catch a bus to Vijaynagar 4)so i can catch another bus to Nagarbhavi (which in a friend's words... is next to friggin EGYPT!) 5)to make it in time for a class which is from 9:30 am to 3:30 pm (ON A SUNDAY... if i haven said it already) 6)then repeat step 4 n 3 to get back home..
SATURDAY NIGHT: My brother n me decide since hes been working awfully late the whole week its time we spend Saturday night on some good ol' brother-sister bonding.... so we get the Iron Man DVD out, sneak into the kitchen fill our bowls with shit load of icecream, fight about who gets the bean bag n abt who touched the remote last because i can't find it n he wont get his ass off of the bean bag... finally movie starts at 12:10 am(sunday now).. In abt 10 mins the thought of mum throwin me outta bed at 7 am for the class creeps in but i tell myself im gonna be sleepy anyway so 'blah!'...besides the movie was getting interesting with Tony Stark's "weapon that only needs to be shot once" n all.... But as fate has it, the lights go out jus when Yinsen tells Stark (whoz "the incomplete Iron-Man" at that moment) that hes goin to buy some time n runs, without a gun, in the direction of the armed enemy..... I swear at the timing n decide its a sign that i gotta crash...
SUNDAY MORNING: [quiet + peaceful darkness ----> mum yellin + bright sunlight] Its 8 am!! Partially oriented, I 'Plyometric' my way up n ready by 8:15 for dad to drop me off at the bus stand... I then see my dad still sleepin.............. (MURPHY"S 12th LAW: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.) I reach the bus stand by 8:30... the bus i generally take is gone. i wait n let a million buses to Majestic pass (Another way to reach EGYPT is thru Majestic which is the main bus stand in Bangalore city....also well known for some "ass-pinching"). I finally get my bus at 9... im leanin on the window listening to music on my cellphone half asleep... In a few mins, i'm rudely resuscitated by a Whoosh of a Lavender perfume. i turn to see a woman next to me smiling.. i smile back n stick my head almost out of the window this time, to clear my respiratory tract b4 a migraine sets in.. I get poked n realise Lavender Lady wants to talk so i get my earplugs out.. She asks me if i work at a call centre... I, who was expecting a "whats ur name" first, look a lil shocked... she says "my daughter also works in a call centre... works at the strangest times... looks as terrible as you when she gets back..poor you children"................................... Gooooooooooooooood Morning Priyanka!!! Anyway im bored so i agree abt the call centre work, tell her its very stressful n gain her sympathy..She talks some more about call centres, i thank myself for watching Outsourced n Hello (whatever bit of it i actually watched) n keep the conversation going... she gets off at Magadi Road where a big poster of TAKAT (some Kannada movie) showing an ugly man with a hairless sweaty chest n a red bandana on his forehead distracts me in a way Godzilla distracted Manhattan. (This by the way is the stop where i get my weekly knowledge on Kannada movies so i like keepin my eyes open n get updated) I change buses at Vijayanagar...its 9:15 n im thinkin to the bus "how fast can you go baby".... the seat i get is next to a dude whoz on his way to his 12th tuitions, which i eventually find out. He sees the "PHYSIOTHERAPY" on the back of my college jacket which i'd grabbed from home cos i cudn find another one on my way out n asks if im a Physiotherapist. i say "yes" (successfully suppressed my urge to add "good work nancy drew" cos he seemed sweet).. after a few seconds he adds "so u work with crazy people??"......... i agree.. i also realise he has me confused with Psychiatrists. I prepare myself for a story about "the voices in his head" but nothing.... I suddenly miss being a Physiotherapist, which by the way ALWAYS gets a better reaction..a story about an ache, a lazy daughter-in-law/husband who doesn help or an age old fracture, any story that ends with a "so what massage should i get??".... Anyway we talk a bit... actually he did all the talkin (i swear).... after about 5 mins of him telling me abt his girlfriend/classmate and abt how crap his tuitions are, i start to wonder if i was supposed to counsel him on it... but no.. his stop is almost here so he gets ready to go. He looks back n says "so u have a boyfriend??" Me: "aaa.... yea" (WHAAAAAAAAAT??? i can't be a single woman working with mentally ill people all day..... thats jus sad.) He: "doctor?" Me: "yea" (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?! im a busy woman... i dont have time to meet ppl outta the hospital okay....n i strictly do not date patients/crazy ppl) He: "you work together?" Me: "no hes a........... Psychiatrist" He: "huh?? *confused look* ok... bye" Me: " :) bye"
Its 9:45 am... i know im very late but im also sure the 9:30 class hasn started.. im usually the first one in class at 9 silently abusing the latecomers for making me miss breakfast, thats how i know. I walk in, find my seat and the class begins... I jus spent 90 mins being 3 people and I'm back to being sleepy....
Started this list a while ago....hence some of these have been accomplished... 1. Date a indecently decent chap whoz not an asshole. (TRUST ME aint as easy as it sounds... for the men, can invert the gender as well..i understand.) 2. buy a house. 3. buy a car. 4. Get a pet. 5. See the whole of India. 6. Go to 5 new places out of India 7. Be somebodys miracle.* 8. Find my own miracle. 9. go Scuba diving. 10. get my ab cuts back (sniff sniff) 11. sing at a karaoke bar 12. go to a gay bar 13. get drunk.* 14. see the Kohinoor diamond n bitch about how i paid a foreign country to see whats ours. 15. catch a snowflake on my tongue 16. learn to speak spanish... or atleast sound like i can ;) 17. make a chinese friend, talk to him/her in konkani n convince them its an ancient Chinese dialect. (which it is...shhhhh) 18. do something no woman has ever done before.* 19. go fishing and actally catch something. * 20. eat something i wud never eat... then pray the damn thing doesn come alive in my tummy. 21. write my book.... and publish it. 22. touch an ostrich.* 23. fly (without an aeroplane...or weed :P)* 24. live my chocolate fantasy ;) 25. live someone elses fantasy ;) ;) 26. learn to roller blade. 27. have a moment in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. 28. spend a day in a tree house 29. bump into God* 30. witness birth* 31. go boing boing in a biiiig trampoline 32. own a funky wig 33. hold an eagle. 34. shoot a gun... a real one. 35. learn 5 magic tricks. 36. solve a mystery. 37. find treasure. 38. see a real live humming bird. 39. hug a bear. 40. make a snow angel.*
Men say women can't drive... i beg to differ... women can VERY MUCH drive.. its just a few like Me who have a lil difficulty with all the buttons n the levers n the wheels n the jhig-mig blinking lights..ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE for a beginner, especially when your damn driving instructor cant stop instructing u... i mean WHATS WITH THAT GUY??!?!?! "oooooh dont go so fast" "push the accelerator" "press the clutch" "turn right"... ah will u shut up n let me drive! sheesh if u wanna push it so much, u push it, i knw u got em too under ur stubby legs! Breathe priyanka... breathe... good air in, bad air out.. hmmm.. Okay lemme introduce u to the characters of this lil story....*drumroll*... Lead role bagged by the one, the only..... Me! also starring.. my swift (ok not technically 'Mine') and my driving instructor "Pansitis" (hes pansy n hes infectious.. spreads his pansy-ism to the ppl in n outta the car).... ooh and the cute guy who usually drives before me.. Today the whole traffic system of Bangalore was against me... i reach the driving school at 1 pm (thats the time i drive), n me n the cute guy wait for Pansitis to come so we can vroom away.. Finally he arrives with a petrified sweaty housewife in the front n her 10 yr old daughter in the back whos face is smashed across the glass as if trying to walk through it.. Pansitis instructs me to come ahead which surprises me cos its the cute guy who usually drives first hence hes never seen my driving moves (kinda thankful for that i must say).. Moving along.. my 3rd driving class.. so i sit in, start the car, slowly let go of the clutch, turn right into the street n begin driving... and truthfully i drive pretty well... I DO. but today i have no idea what was with the world.... Pansitis makes me enter a galli which we later realize is blocked for tarring so i have to take a U turn in the tiny lane which for a beginner is pretty tricky.. but i do it, i get it out of the lane n enter another one... Pansy says push the accelerator.. n jus then outta nowhere 3 college boys on ONE bike rush in n almost bang into me, thank god for my quick reflexes... Pansitis has arrhythmias this time.. Then as im driving further we realise thr is no gas, so he makes me drive into a bunk n fill petrol... all was well.. Im gettin out back on the street while Pansitis continues with his mantra "press the clutch, let go of the accelerator" (i knw.. uve said it a million times... if i can remember the action of every tiny muscle in ur body, i can remember THIS!!)... Im driving along this big broad not-so-empty road ("push the accelerator") we suddenly see a police truck parked about ten feet away... Pansitis says "wear ur seat belt!!!!" so as im driving i try to get the seat belt fastened.. which again for a beginner going pretty fast on a big road with police ahead.. is stressful!!! Meanwhile Pansy chats with the cute guy sitting behind all this while about the police and the chicks workin at the petrol bunk :S.. And then he tells me how my feet never leave the accelerator... im like "hello excuse me??!?!?! let me introduce u to Long Legs... i cant LEAVE this space cos i NEED the space... jus be glad i aint pushing it" i felt like telling him... But considering i aint that good with Kannada i decided against it.... Seriously its oh-so hard to be sarcastic in Kannada without sounding like u're making a 'move'.... and i had absolutely no intentions of making any moves on Pansitis esp since hes short, dark, has a pot belly n calls me "Myaa-Dum"... So we continue on our never ending journey to nowhere, enter another tiny galli (lotsa those where i live), and some jerks park their 2 wheelers at the strangest angles n on the opposite side f the lane is another smarty pants who decided to park his big ass maruti 800 (when the galli is THAT small, even the 800 looks relatively big ass) and as im preparing myself to dodge all of this, a Scoda drives in from the other side..... I send my khunass-bhara vibes to Mr.God who im sure was enjoying watching "Are u Smarter than a Frustrated Beginner?"... Pansitis leans forward like its the last ball of the match n India needs 6 to win... The Scoda-man looks me in the eye with a my-cars-cooler-than-yours look.. N i give him the 'U-wanna-mess-with-the-chick-with-an-L-stuck-on-her-car?' look... I win hands down... i go swish swash n slide my car back into the safety zone.. Pansitis by then almost passes out.. Cute guy gives me a crooked smile... All is well and i finally reach my driving school again... park it.. turn the car off n get out.. Pansitis instead of sympathising with me n telling me how well i handled the bikes n the police and the scodas says i gotta stop using the accelerator so much.... I get into the back seat (cos its cute guys turn now) n mutter about how i wanna CLUTCH n BRAKE him and ACCELERATE away...
...Back when I was in the 3rd year... I dont really remember how the day began...but thats not relevant here...
My roomate.. for confidentiality purposes lets call her "Spank-a-swine"... So Spank-a-swine is very sick, i dunno what it is, she doesn know what it is... which means i gotta take her to the hospital... and going to the doctor in our hospital on a busy day means you pray time expands..
At about 11 am after a couple of classes, me and Spank-a-swine are sittin in the waiting room of the orthopaedic department among men with Plaster of paris casts which are no longer anywhere close to white, women with troubled faces holding cranky babies with runny noses, MIT 'rockstars' with compression bandages or casts with Graffiti telling the reader to "F*** OFF"...
Its almost 1:45 pm and we're still in the same spot (hey i just realised doesn it close for lunch even?) and my GIT is swirling n twirling inside me... also our clinics are about to start at 2. So Spank-a-swine asks me to leave for clinics and says she'd ask her boyfriend to come stay with her.. for confidentiality purposes lets call him "Creep-wanker" (i luv u buddy but the other choices were just too.... boring).
So i wade my way outta there n rush to Dhanvantri which is our Neurology Department..the one department where there is so much work to do it will crack your spine (hey Spank-a-swine.. you cud've been Crack-a-spine :P). Luckily (or may be not) I'm posted in the CTS ICU (cardio thoracis surgery ICU.. which in my 3rd year used to harbour Neurology patients) with another friend of mine.... for confidentiality purposes lets call her "Birth-control".
So me and Birth-control reach the ICU, n we usually treat 2 patients along with a PG, "Paprika"... Since i've had a rough day without food (which for me is very vital) Paprika and Birth-control offer to take the drowsy fella and allow me to handle this one comparitively alert patient.. all i have to do is get him to stand and pivot him onto the wheel chair... can easily be done solo if the guy co-operative.. Lets call this guy "Umesh".. for confidentiality purposes :)...
So i go to Umesh and tell him he needs to sit down and he says he wants to sleep like hes been doin all day. I coax him into sitting, telling him his family is waiting outside to see him. Somehow magically he sits and in the process stands even.. Now the thing about ICUs is... EVERYTHING there has wheels and none of their locks work.. so when he stood his bed hit the back of his knee and rolled to the wall. But doesn matter cos my man is standing now... Unfortunately just before i pivot him he realises thet HE IS STANDING and doesn want to.. knees buckle and now his face is rested on my forearm with my arms around his torso....i'd let him sit but im still holding him cos there nothing under his butt! Paprika and Birth-control rush to bring the wheelchair closer. And i continue telling Umesh to stand up atleast for a few seconds so i can put him on to something... All he says to me is "GOD IS GREAT!!!"...
Moments later i can feel something cold and wet on my forearm... i tell Birth-control that and she peeps to check what im talkin about... "HES BITING YOU!!!!!!!!!" are the next words i hear echoing in the ICU.. We put him down get him off me. Luckily it dint puncture my skin but yeah he sure did gimme a hate-hickey. :(
Anyway we take him out.. he meets family.. comes back in.. we very carefully put him back to bed... i go to keep the wheelchair back while Birth-control was still around him fixing his bed and "FIITTTISH!!!" a ripping sound is heard.. i rush to the bed to find Birth-control with her hands across her mouth.. I ask her if he slapped her or something (thats what it sounded like) and she shakes her head indicating 'No' and points at his pelvis... took me seconds to figure out what he'd done............ pulled his condom catheter and let go... ouch!
It is 6 by the time we leave the ICU.. 2 hours later than we should've left. Paprika and Birth-control force me to go to the Trauma to get a Tetanus toxoid immediately even though i assure them there were greater chances of me dying of fatigue and starvation. I enter the Trauma Centre, there is one doctor there staring at the computer screen examining some patient's X-ray... i thank god for the last thing i needed was a herd of doctors listening to my embarrassing ''history'. I walk up to him n mumble "i need a TT".. "why?" (still lookin at the Xray)... "Got a bite".... "What bit u?"(raises an eyebrow n gives me a crooked smile..) ... "patient". In seconds i have no idea from where half a dozen doctors appeared around the counter with similar raised eyebrows and crooked smiles like Bell's Palsy was suddenly an epidemic!
I swore under my breath, got my shot n walked to Cosmo (cafe close by) where Spank-a-swine and Creep-wanker were waiting for me.. The last thing i remember was resting my head on its cool glass table......
